I've had this sinus infection for so long, that I got used to it and didn't even know it was there... possibly for about 20 years. 

Chronic infections can cause hives.

The REASON I probably have had this sinus infection for so long is because I have an immunodeficiency and my body is not capable of fighting it off on it's own. 

What this means is, when I'm sick, I go to the doctor.  No more trying to make it better myself with rest and chicken noodle soup. 

We haven't diagnosed the immunodeficiency, but the chances of me having this are super high.  Doctor's going to wait another month to make sure that my low igG levels aren't a result of the prednisone and my body trying to bounce back from that still.  However, it's still so low he thinks this was pre-existing.  So then, he's going to shoot me up with a pneumonia vaccine and if my body responds by making antibodies, then I don't have an immunodeficiency, and if it doesn't, well then diagnoses made.  But he has to wait a month AFTER he gives me the pneumonia vaccine before he can even measure that.

This won't be done for awhile. 

Oh, and now I have to also go to a nose, mouth and ear specialist.  Praying they don't find MORE stuff going on.  Ugh.  Really.  I was so afraid of this.  You have one medical problem, they run a bunch of tests and find out you have a bunch of medical problems and then it turns into this huge mass of doctors visits.

This weekend, two very devout Christian groups are using our facilities to do some soul searching.  My group, a group of 6 adults pray a lot and I can't believe how much it's made me actually uncomfortable.  I took them out on the ropes course, and they were praying constantly while up there.  And I suddenly feel like an outsider to this prayer thing. 

Today, I overheard them talking about spiritual experiences they've had and I've become increasingly more aware of how I would probably not have seen a lot of those experiences as spiritual.  And yet, to them, it is completely unquestionable.

I don't know.  I mean, yes, I have prayed once or twice for other people in the last couple of months.  And sometimes, I felt like it was because I felt helpless and too far away to help and that was the only thing I could to do to feel like I unloaded something.  Was I just throwing my requests to the air?  Or was it actually taken off my shoulders a little by someone else? 

The other group here, a group of highschoolers, is a very fundamentalist group.  And Jess overheard some of their talks about how they believe everything in the bible and that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and Charles Darwin was a Christian and Evolution doesn't exist.

I'm kind of glad I didn't overhear that.  In all honesty, it makes me really sad, these young people, who still have impressionable minds, are being indoctrinated into this stuff.  I mean, literally, that is why they are here, on this retreat, as a confirmation in their faith.  

I think if I had heard that conversation, I would have gotten angry.  And that would be so unprofessional. 

Of course, I guess it's not really news to anyone here that fundamentalism bothers me.  No, I am not bothered by religious people, and while it does make me uncomfortable, I'm not bothered by people who pray. 

Even if prayer is going to the wind, it's also a reflection and a reminder to oneself of what to be thankful for in our lives.   And if it's at least letting someone's stress lift a little, I don't find it bad.  We don't need unnecessary stress.  Even if prayer is just a release of emotion or thankfulness.

Who knows.  I've been feeling down lately.  Not so much about life.  But family matters.  For some reason, when I try to sleep at night, my mind goes back to graduation and that fight I had with my family.  And I cry about it.  Because it was so hurtful.  And from there, I start thinking about growing up in my family, and how my family has become so split.  And it breaks my heart.  I see other people's families do these little things for each other... and it's like... I never got stuff like that. 

Little emails that parents send to their kids while they are staying here.  Mail other naturalists get even though their parents live all the way in New York or Maryland.   Other naturalist's parents who are actually interested in visiting their son or daughter here, even though they live in New York, or have to drive 12 hours from Michigan.

And yet, never once has my family ever been interested in visiting me.  My mom has before.  But my dad?  My brother?  I mean, they helped me move down, dropped my stuff off and left.  And I would have loved to have showed them around. 

I guess my expectations are high.  But those are the things that matter more to me. 

Maybe my feeling down about family is making me feel bothered by these religious groups here.  I don't know.  I don't even know if it's even related.  It probably is.  I definitely feel as though I've let my mom down, falling into this non religious whatever I am in.    Simply appreciating things for what they are.  I've actually had nightmares of my mom getting all religious crazy on me and killing my friends for being terrible influences on me and locking me up and exorcising me.  And my mom is not crazy like that.  They're terrifying dreams though. 

My God is broken. 

Yeah...so... blood test results....

Are not good.  You know how the disease that I had was like really rare, like 1% of the population?

Yeah, we've dropped that number to like... 0.0001%

Things are not looking so hot.  Needless to say, I have to go back to Mayo and have more tests done. 

So if there's anyone out there who's savy with the medical terms... my doctor was throwing around the words "low gamaglobin levels"  and immulinglobin having four different levels: g, a, m, and e.  And that the g level, which he thought was a result from me being on predinizone was extremely abnormal  And that my a level was completely absent.  He was also throwing around the possibility of "common variable immunodeficiency." 

I don't know what that means.  I really don't, except that it's not good.  I could tell he was afraid to throw out the word autoimmune, mainly in a way that seemed like he didn't want to be delivering bad news.  I wish he knew that I'm not afraid to hear the word autoimmune and that with the history in my family that I'm pretty much expecting it. 

Anyway.  He basically told me I should be worried, but not to worry. 

I can take it, doctor, you can be straight forward with me. 

So now... I wait.  More tests.  Something with my sinuses and chest xrays... I don't know.  I trust he knows what he's doing because this stuff is so way over my head...